15 popular snacks for your Super Bowl party, ranked from worst to first

There’s nothing like sitting down to watch a Super Bowl with an amazing spread to gorge on during the game. But when the Patriots face the Rams on Sunday, what food will you trust to make the weeks of planning worth it?

If you’re watching Super Bowl LIII, which you can stream on CBSSports.com or via CBS All Access, I’m guessing you’re going to be eating at some point during the contest, if not the entire night. For many people, remember, the Big Game is more like the Big Gulp — a wintertime Thanksgiving for football fans, their friends and, best of all, the people who pretend to be both. So what better way to prepare for Super Sunday than by sizing up some of the most popular game-day snacks?

From trash to treasure, worst to first, here’s one writer’s breakdown of eats that may or may not be on your menu:

15. Quiche

I have to confess something: I only included this so that I can ridicule it and, if all goes well, save others from its wrath. Oh, I’m sorry — you enjoy eating runny egg pies? I’m sure there are some good ones out there, but I think I’d prefer to just revert to memories from when I was 11 and pretend that’s not true. You can do so much better.

14. Chicken wings

Whoa! This list is garbage, you’re probably yelling to yourself. Well just hold on a minute there, chief. I know the Internet has eviscerated our ability to read stories from start to finish, but if you keep on scrolling, you’ll find that I’m not actually trashing the sacred relic of Super Bowl Sunday. What I mean by “chicken wings” here is a very specific, very sad rendition of the wing — the bone-in type whose meat is buried under too much sauce and a slimy skin akin to salty Jell-O or a literal rubber chicken. Are you sick yet?

13. Pigs in a blanket

Did I just hear you break your keyboard? Listen, this isn’t a bad snack, by any means. It’s just that I’d rather take the 12 things ahead of it. Baked right, these can be a treat, and more often than not, the piggies aren’t the problem. It’s those darned soiled blankets. You can get by with store-brand wieners, but as soon as their blankey gets all soggy from hot-dog juice and starts sticking to the pigs like wet bread, you might as well just swallow the things whole.

12. Crackers and cheese

Plain, I know. And there’s no way you can serve this without keeping the beverage coolers nearby. (Nothing says “dry” like a slice of sharp cheddar and a Triscuit.) It’s not a bad assortment, though, especially considering the variations of crackers — cheesy, seedy, wheaty — and cheeses you can pair together. It’s a snack not unlike a multi-purpose running back — good at lots of things but not great at one specific thing.

11. Veggies on a tray

I can dig a nice grape tomato, some cucumber slices and carrot sticks. (I am not a rabbit.) Seriously, veggies are underappreciated. Eat more of them. But I’m not a simpleton (or a rabbit, remember), so I understand the need for some flair. While I won’t turn down a crispy, Ranch-dipped snack any other day, Super Bowl Sunday just doesn’t always seem like the best place and time for our garden friends.

10. Sub sandwiches

What better way to stave off hunger but save room for heavier snacks than with subs? Just think White Castle sliders, except without the laxative patties — mini meals that get you your meat, veggies and bread without stuffing you by halftime. If you’re including optional toppings, from pickles to mayo (and no, that does not mean Miracle Whip), even better. It’s a picnic in a bun.

9. Candy

If we’re going to watch football, we might as well rot our teeth while we’re doing it! Candy is a bittersweet option (no pun intended — just kidding; it’s intended). Because while it’ll keep your kids busy and has all kinds of variations, it’s simply bound to get old by the end of the night. “Oh, another Twix bar? I’ve had 13 already, but … don’t mind if I do.” A pro tip if you’re searching for the right sweet: Crispy M&Ms are the Earth’s hidden gem.

8. Nachos

This doubles as chips and salsa and/or guacamole, which you’ll definitely pay too much for. I’m not really sure how to properly police a nacho plate, which is messy enough to demand utensils but somehow still screams, “Touch me!” Yet the combination here really delivers: Cheese, meat, jalapenos and, if you’re a true fan, an assortment of cilantro, chives, onions and tomatoes. ¡Buen provecho!

7. Chicken wings

See, I told you we’d revisit this. Get yourself a wing that’s closer to crunchy than slimy, and you’ve got yourself a bird worth eating. If we were judging crowd-pleasers, in fact, this might be No. 1. Just be sure to supply napkins. Oh, and because I’m a Millennial, I guess I’ll recommend grabbing a few boneless ones, too.

Unlike quiche (*gag*), this is a pie worth fighting for. Thick crust, thin crust, it doesn’t matter. Whether you’re ordering in or baking your own (yeah right), pizza isn’t a hard sell. And if you need an explanation as to why, maybe just try pizza some time. Also, just to be clear, if anyone has a problem with pineapple as a topping, they probably don’t belong at your party anyway.

5. Ribs

They aren’t any cleaner than wings or nachos, and I’m pretty sure you need some kind of degree or special license to cook them correctly. But I’m writing this with the assumption that any ribs I eat will be prepared by someone else, so that takes care of that. In any event, these tender treats are like the boom-or-bust item of Super Bowl snacks. Done right, they’re championship material.

4. Cookies

My wife has churned out batches of homemade chocolate chip cookies at least once a month (the marriage is definitely working, as is my blood sugar), and I’m still not sick of them. Why? Because they’re cookies! The only thing that could make them better is milk, so if you’re willing to dip into your life savings in order to afford enough gallons for the whole party, I won’t stop you.

3. Pretzels

If we’re talking soft pretzels and you end up with dry ones, it’s kind of like chewing warm mattress, but even in that scenario, you still get little salt nuggets along the way. Think of the versatility here: Rods, twists, sticks and crisps — seasoned with anything from honey to Ranch to chocolate to sodium, which we obviously don’t get enough of. Quite simply, they go with everything, and their salty-sweet flexibility makes them appetizing from the start of game day until the clock hits :00.

Crispy. Salty. Sometimes lardy. Doesn’t that just define America? These things are so familiar you’d think we’d be tired of them by now, but that alone speaks to their dominance. They’ve got the versatility of the pretzel, with a flavor far better. They work as a side, or as a full-plate filler. They may be laced with nicotine. And they can leave everlasting impressions: Like the sight of an adorable little grease stain or the scrumptious crunch of a sea-salt kettle.

1. Chili

We present The Mother of All Snacks™. The Beef Behemoth™. The Queen of Bean™. Like ribs and wings, it really packs enough punch to be its own meal. Except it’s also perfectly catered for a chilly February evening. It’s up to you how spicy you want to get — from child-friendly mild to burn-your-esophagus hot. But no matter what, it’s hard to go wrong with chili. It’s hearty, it’s zesty, it’s warm, it’s relatively healthy, and it’s good to stew all day. Voice-over voice: You’re gonna like the way it tastes. I guarantee it.